autonomy.

“the capacity of an agent to act in accordance with objective morality rather than under the influence of desires”

or simple: independence in thoughts & actions.

i have two SDs (sugar daddies) right now. i used to have many more but after my ex-SD stalked & harassed me it kinda ruined things for me & i had to take a step back. the featured image on this post is a picture my ex-stalker-SD took. i love the pic but it’s been so hard for me to look at it or think of posting it because of the backstory & feelings. more on this in a future post.

i formerly used seeking.com for my sugar dating. it worked really well for me for a few years but i think i outgrew it/it stopped serving me so i got rid of my account. i think seriously these days about making an eros or tryst account because i think full-service sw is something that’s more my speed. i think im at a point where i want to have more “real” relationships, fewer “sugar” relationships, & more full service “johns/clients.”

sugar dating has been great for me. i really adore & cherish my two current SDs. i hang out with (let’s call him) SD-S about three times a month & he ensures that i have money for rent, as well as random gifts throughout the month. we meet at a hotel, my house, or in a parking lot in a car because hes married. we used to have a PPM (pay per meet) arrangement, but after seeing each other for many many months we decided to move to a different/more casual structure. we have a close bond & i consider him a dear friend of mine. we have similar personalities & really did click from the start of our relationship. we have a very easygoing & understanding connection.

my other current SD we will call SD-E. my arrangement with him has been my longest ever “relationship.” i started seeing him well over a year ago & we have consistently seen each other mostly every week, only missing maybe one or two weeks. SD-E was/is a crucial part of me emotionally surviving the pandemic. last year the only thing i did as far as socializing was concerned was seeing SD-E once a week. in addition to obviously keeping me afloat financially, seeing him kept me sane and remembering how time works .. kept me grounded, counting each week as they went by. SD-E & i have been doing the same PPM arrangement since day 1 and it’s worked wonderfully for us. i feel so cared for when i am with him. i know that he will do anything to help me. he’s been there for me through break ups, a move, the adoption of my dog, and so many other huge life moments. SD-E has even met some of my family which is HUGE for me (see future relationship anarchy post). my bond with SD-E is the kind that gets stronger each time we see each other. i have truly grown to feel love for this man & i hope to continue having him be a part of my life for as long as he wants me.

i write about my SDs today because i get nervous sometimes that by relying on these two men for my livelihood that i am hurting myself and stopping myself from being a truly autonomous person. i wonder if i am being lazy or presumptive or manipulative or something by allowing my SDs to foot my bills. but then another part of me tells myself that i am WORKING for the allowance that they provide me with. that it is MY money. the i EARN it. but still .. as nice as that sounds .. i still get these twinges of doubt in myself. because i would likely be screwed if either stopped wanting to see me. it makes me a little nervous.

but i think my main takeaway today will be to look at patterns – so far these two men have been honest & upfront with me about everything. they have never treated me disrespectfully & they have always tried their best to communicate with me. i’ve never been letdown by either of them. so – i think thats a good place to end. i will trust myself and look to history to remind myself that these are good men who care for me & who will not rip the rug from under my feet without a conversation first.

song of the day: “body & mind” by girl in red

adoringly,

LM