blurry.

sometimes i feel like i blink & everything around & within me has morphed into something i no longer recognize. i feel as if i have awoken & emerged into a new world. whether it’s because i was deeply engrossed in a project for work or i had gotten lost in a book or become invested in learning about a specific plant .. when i finally come up for air, i look around slightly confused for a moment until the new blurry figures become clear & crisp as my eyes adjust ..

i’ve been shaking off a lot of proverbial dust .. trying so desperately hard to get to the root of my feelings, desires, wishes, hopes, dreams, & general thoughts. i have spent a lot of time alone, creating “lucee island -> # of inhabitants: 1” .. putting up walls & calling them boundaries .. declaring that i must just be solo poly at heart because nothing else is working out. i am accustomed to having shallow & temporary relationships .. people just coming into my life, dipping a toe or two in, & leaving my lukewarm water for whatever super valid reason. i don’t have resentment towards people who are no longer in my life .. i hold relationships with others very lightly & am very aware of the impermanence of life in general (i think my first tattoo containing words will be: “everything is temporary.”) .. but recently i’ve found it hard to shake a feeling that i’m lacking something. that i have space in my life, a void in my soul, that could be filled with something.

so i’m making changes. i’m trying new things. i’m moving furniture around. i’m throwing away old chapsticks. i’m making space & creating an environment in which i can discover my passions. above all else .. i’m trying to stay calm. i write this after doing my schedule for the upcoming week (i am a slave to my ical) & feeling pressure, anxiety, & 100% self-imposed stress. i do NOT have to fill every moment on my calendar with something .. but i struggle thinking that if i have down time i should be creating, thinking, journaling, meditating, planning .. i SHOULD always be doing something. funny because “should” is one of my least favorite words .. thank you for that, many years of therapy ..

so here’s what i’ve decided: my quality of life lacks something & it’s my & only my responsibility to get to the bottom of it. i am sick of feeling like i’m treading water .. or spinning my wheels in mud, which is the analogy/metaphor i most often relate to. i know i’m too hard on myself. i know i have anxiety out the wahzoo. i know my mood could be more stable. i know i have a lot of trouble focusing. i know i could have the relationships with others that i really, truly, honestly desire. & i know my own unsubstantiated fears are holding me back. as much as it’s in my control to make change, it’s also my fault when i stall & don’t play an active role in my life.

i’m officially fed up with putting my head in the THC filled sand. i wish that cannabis, yoga, & journaling could independently triple-handedly solve my mental health issues .. but i’ve been on this hazy, lonely island for 5+ years. & it’s time to call in some professionals. so, after a long time of not taking any prescription psychiatric medications, i made a thoroughly thought out decision to call in the reinforcements & have a conversation with a psychiatrist about my options for medications. this is something that even writing here makes me want to cry & say “omg!!! what are you doing!!! you’re doing the wrong thing!!! don’t take pills!!! pills are bad!!!” .. it’s become quite the viscous cycle. my anxiety is giving me anxiety and when i think about getting help that causes more anxiety.

i wish i didn’t want to/have to take pills to feel functional. i don’t want to go down this road again. it was such a dark road last time .. & i want to trust myself but i’m not sure if i’m there yet. i’m not ashamed of asking for help & i’m not afraid of being honest. i’m not sure i know what it is exactly that i’m afraid of. i think this is just PTSD for ya .. when the thing that hurt me the most is also the thing that can make me feel better .. it’s just a lot.

i can be your reckless, you can be my stain
i can be your heartache, you can be my shame
when you’re feeling reckless, when you’re feeling chained
when there’s nothing left but pain
welcome to my dark side
we’re gonna have a good time
acting like i’m heartless, i do it all the time
that don’t mean i’m scarless, that don’t mean i’m fine
but you’ll see, when someone else makes you this way
oh, i’ll drain your life ’til there’s
nothing left but your blood shot eyes
oh, i’ll take my time ’til i show you how i feel inside .. “

“dark side” by bishop briggs

adoringly,
LM