& just like that .. i feel as if nothing in my life is the same as it was last time i wrote here. i have taken many deliberate actions in attempts to manifest my dreams into reality. i have been thinking about my future in a non-anxiety-filled manner for the first time in my life. i feel as if i have a clear directive & i am thrilled to start my next journey.

i’m going to be ordering my first DSLR camera this week. in preparation i have been watching a lot of this channel on youtube. i don’t want photography to be another hobby i am interested in temporarily & then drop it to just sit around & binge watch pointless tv. i have faith in myself & really do feel strongly that this is my life’s calling. i do come from a family of photographers so it kinda makes sense ..

since photography equipment is expensive i think i will be getting back to doing live cam shows. i’m going to start on flirt4free since i already have any account & (at least i used to) have a following there. i will also try chaturbate & mfc if f4f isn’t as lucrative as i need it to be. i think this is the most daunting plan i have for myself .. i’ve really been dragging my heels to get back on live cam. but i love it! the attention .. feeling wanted .. feeling sexy. it’s addicting!

i want to keep in mind what a lot of yoga instructors say .. that the hardest part of a yoga practice is just simply SHOWING UP & making it onto the mat. i think i should have a similar outlook on live camming .. i KNOW most of my personal battle with camming is just getting all set up & ready to go live. it’s a lot of BTS work! but i’ve gotten way better & more efficient at getting myself all dolled up .. so i have faith.

i’m going to get online for the first time in a lot time tonight! i don’t want to advertise it too much so i don’t feel too much pressure. but i think it should feel really good getting back.

don’t you shy away
manifest a ceiling when you shy away
searching for that feeling
just like an ‘i love you’
that isn’t words
like a song he wrote, that’s never heard”

“shy away” by twenty one pilots