i have been seeing the same therapist for over 3 years. they have helped me through a fuckton of personal shit .. it’s tough to even begin to think about how much i value this relationship in my life.
recently we have been working on my trust in myself, specifically regarding money & finances. we talk a lot about the concept of scarcity about how that can play a very lasting role in one’s life. if you’ve ever felt like you didn’t have enough, it’s tough to climb out of that mental hole, even when things seem to be doing better.
i have lived with such a horrible relationship with money for my whole life. huge swings between poverty and overspending .. i luckily have avoided any tragedy but i’ve had my fair share of debt pile up. i fell under the trap of the credit cards, which is a good way to learn a quick lesson & “grow up” .. as a young person i was well cared for but the way i saw people around me spend money was very confusing & i still don’t feel like i have a lot of answers.
these days (& when i say that i mean the past like 3 years probably) i have had a firm grip on paying my bills & independently taking care of myself. however, i would say that i live “paycheck to paycheck.” but mostly i think that’s because i don’t know how to save money correctly. and honestly just typing this i feel overwhelmed and it all seems very daunting.
but the main point here is that in therapy we’ve been doing guided visualization meditations that i believe are really helping me figure out how to even verbalize or put into words how i feel about money. because repeatedly saying “money isn’t real – it’s a man made construct” every time i get upset thinking about it is not going to help me save for retirement. it also isn’t helpful for my next thought to be “maybe i won’t live to be old & then what’s the point in dying with money in the bank.”
no real good way to conclude this rambling. so ..
all of my senses going crazy
maybe i’m dying, maybe i’m breaking
stuck in place, just standing here shaking
i’m quaking & i wanna ..
what is this color that i’m seeing?
what is this feeling that i’m feeling?
could it be love, could it be healing?
so freeing & i wanna feel”“feel” by quickly, quickly