[ originally written on monday, february 7th, 2022. edited, added to, and posted on wednesday, march 2nd, 2022. ]
i think it naturally has to go back to my parents. i don’t remember them ever really getting along very well. i don’t know why they never split up. when i was around 22 years old i drunkenly asked my father why him and my mother didn’t get a divorce (a true ‘drunk words = sober thoughts’ situation). i don’t remember his response but i remember his face looking very sad that i had asked that. i honestly don’t think he knew that his relationship looked so awful from the outside. i know both my parents want nothing more than to get along with each other. i know that they have love for each other. but i grew up with my parents not sleeping in the same room & it definitely had an affect on my perceptions. not necessarily in the literal way of me not thinking partners slept together, but they always have so much physical and emotional distance from each other. my parents are definitely not people who deal well with big emotions. or communicating effectively about emotions. it was & still is a lot of passive aggression to keep up with, & let’s cap it off on that.
as a kid i feel like i struggled keeping friends for very long. or having many friends. i always felt super awkward & very unsure of myself .. & that self doubt has ever fully gone away. i found out at a young age that being “on stage” (both literally & figuratively) & trying to be funny or entertaining made me feel better as a person. sure, i did actual theater, choir, band, sports, clubs, etc. as a kid. but even in my social life i realized that i could pretend .. i could fake it through life by acting the way i wish i had actually felt. this has caused me to over the years develop a defense mechanism that allows me to be super approachable but at the same time not let anyone too close, probably because i fear i lack a true identity & am some sort of fraud. i’ve written about it before but in 2018 i had a total identity crisis that led me to a slight downward spiral & seeking a therapist. i still have that therapist today & she has saved my emotional ass time & time again for many years now. i still struggle with my mental health but because of therapy & now medication my life has been .. on the upswing. i hesitate to say my life has been all around better. because while i am successful in my career & have undoubtedly grown into a bad ass bitch, i still have a whole litany of personal issues i deal with all day every day.
my life approach of “fake happiness until you make happiness” has definitely affected my romantic relationships. i will admit, when i first started getting attention from boys i really, really liked it. i felt validated. i never had trouble finding at least one boy who i liked and also liked me. i think i went from being a confused kid to a lonely pre-teen to a sexualized & attention-craved teenager. at a young age i clung to the positive feedback i received when having sexual relationships with boys. my sense of personal value was wrapped up in who was giving me attention. i ended up being fixated on it at many times in my life .. the idea that without someone giving me some kind of sexual attention that i am worthless. not attractive. not friendly or nice enough. that i must be doing something wrong if no one wants to spend time with me. throughout high school & college i jumped around from one attempt at a monogamous relationship to another .. most not lasting longer than maybe a year. i was stuck in a relationship loop .. looking for something in the wrong place. it took me having a string of super terrible relationships after college to finally jump off the Emotional Abuse Ferris Wheel & be single. that time coincided with my identity crisis, finding my current therapist, coming out as polyamorous, & starting sex work. 2018 was quite the year.
my obsession with my own relationships has developed into a deep interest in relationships in general. i’ve spent so much of my life being concerned about being in a relationship. i have observed many, many relationships from an outsider’s view. i have studied relationships from a scholarly standpoint. & now i have started to question if i’ve ever even been in a “real” relationship myself .. i wonder if i’ve just been deeply confused about what true companionship and connection is all about. now i often tell trusted people about what my past experiences have been like & i get some .. painfully truthful reactions. i think i realize that i have yet to be involved in a deep, mature, meaningful, respectful & serious relationship. i assumed that everyone all kinda secretly hated their partner & was just white knuckling it until death or divorce. i hope i’m wrong.
sometimes i feel like when it comes to me – all roads lead back to sex work. i believe that due to my work requiring me to have a physical connection with someone, i have been forced (in a good way) to define how intimacy plays a role in my personal life. i also get to decide how much importance i allow my personal sexual relationships to have over my feelings towards myself .. it’s been very freeing in a lot of ways. i spend more time now thinking about & contemplating my personal relationships in order to make intentional actions instead of just mindlessly craving attention and getting into things that don’t serve me. i feel so fulfilled from doing sex work .. i get to stand on my soap box and share stories/experiences and (try to) make people laugh .. i spend time with such cool people and feel like i’m making a difference in their lives. but to be honest the best part is probably that i get positive attention which i still really enjoy, of course. not here to deny that. 😇
i’ve been spending a lot of personal time with a new person these past few months. i’ve learned a lot about myself through the conversations that we have. i’ve been mentally working on a poem perhaps to write about this newer relationship that i’ve embarked on .. i guess y’all will have to wait and see.