panic.

this is an example timeline of what it feels like when i am having a panic attack type of moment:
i can’t think straight.
my thoughts are fast, fragmented, confusing, disjointed, random, overwhelming, relentless & usually not based in any form of reality, logic, or reason.
i feel worried.
i feel hot.
i wonder if i’m just hungry or too stoned.
i realize i’m neither.
i feel like i’m somehow thinking both everything & nothing at the same time.
i feel itchy.
my chest gets tight.
i make lists.
i pace around.
my throat becomes sore.
i pick at my face skin.
my lymph nodes feel like they are swollen.
i try to swallow a lot.
i bite my finger nails.
my nose starts to run.
i sniffle a lot.
i feel cold.
i wonder if i’m dying.
my skin feels dry.
my vision starts to blur.
i get a headache.
i become very aware of unpleasant textures against my skin.
my eyes get teary.
i think about coping mechanisms.
it gets very hard to breathe.
i smoke weed.
i wonder if this is what crying feels like.
i feel better for the amount of time it takes me to exhale.
i consider reaching out to someone.
i get sad.
i drink water.
i start picking at my face again.
i wash my face.
i wonder if i should look up “how to cry” on youtube.
i touch an animal.
i think about my therapist.
i think about my friends.
i look at a plant.
i think about my breathing.
i consider smoking more.
i get the desire to journal.
i make this list & send it to my boyfriend.
i convince myself i’ll feel better once i get some sleep.
i pass out from exhaustion.
wake up at 6am with racing thoughts .. rinse .. repeat.