when i got my medical marijuana card in 2018 saying you had anxiety wasn’t reason enough to qualify. PTSD – however – was an approved diagnosis. so i went to a doctor, was truthful, & they agreed that i had PTSD and therefore was granted my medical marijuana card. i probably thought i was being pretty clever & cheating the system somehow. to be perfectly honest, i didn’t really subscribe to this label at the time. PTSD was for soldiers & people who had been assaulted .. not someone like me who had just made some questionable decisions & experienced unfavorable outcomes. but alas – this random hippie doctor dude straight up swore i had PTSD .. so since then i’ve pretty much been going along with that diagnosis.
i mean – yeah, i’ve experienced trauma. and sure – i think about stuff a lot. and i have trouble sleeping. and eating. and focusing. and maintaining relationships. oh and i have anger management problems. but up until somewhat recently i still didn’t really think i necessarily had full blown PTSD. i felt bad telling too many people i had a PTSD diagnosis because i felt like an imposter of some kind .. that my trauma probably wasn’t as bad or as valid as other people’s. and i just got this phony diagnosis so i could smoke weed. but in my heart of hearts i think it was all just a defense mechanism. i mean .. a fucking doctor told me i had a problem and i was still like “nahhhh you’re probably just exaggerating” .. .. .. that’s some straight up denial right there.
in the past week i’ve had two bouts of PTSD triggering related episodes. at least i think that’s what happened. i’m still processing & not sure what happened. but hey .. let’s process it together now, shall we.
(hi boyfriend. i love you.) i’m going to tell this story as best as i can & i’m sure boyfriend might have a different recollection but all i can do is my best here. due to work schedules there’s been a handful of times that boyfriend arrives at my home around 1am. i just yawned thinking about it .. ha .. but it was fine a few times. i helped him find parking, he comes inside, we quickly go to sleep. rinse repeat. well .. without putting emotions or feelings into his head .. he seemed from my perspective a little grouchy this past weekend when he arrived at my house at 1am. i tried to help him park but he was being short with me. then i got behind the wheel to help and i made a mistake and he understandably got upset (no damage to the car but i turned the key too far once the car was already on and the car made a weird noise .. it was a stupid accident .. i felt bad nonetheless) and honestly theres no debate over his reaction to anything. i accept that he was grouchy after working and then driving to come over. and then i made his car make a weird noise, so of course he got a little peeved. if i were in his position i’d have had the same attitude.
the problem here is that i’ve been in a few different versions of abusive relationships. and for some reason i’ve gotten in a lot of really bad arguments and had most of my terrible life experiences at night or in the early morning .. essentially right before bed or right after waking up. i’ve been woken up by drunk partners who had a bad dream and blame me for cheating on them in their dreams .. i’ve been berated in the middle of the road under street lamps by exes too many times .. and it’s really upsetting for me to get into a conflict (even when it’s something small) during this time of day, especially adding having the altercation outside. its a personal recipe for mental mayhem.
so it was unfortunate when last weekend my loving, amazingly supportive and NOT abusive boyfriend was just acting in a normal and rational way & i was sent into a somewhat dissociative episode where i got really fucking upset. i didn’t even know why i was upset. i just knew that i was very sad and really wanted to cry. but my feelings didn’t feel valid for some reason & i honestly am still grappling with them. i don’t want to be the kind of person that shuts down at the drop of a hat. i kinda loath myself for it. i don’t want to be so easily affected .. but i feel haunted sometimes. i guess thats really the only way i know how to describe it, at least thats the language i have for it now.
it’s like .. something happens in my present world & all of a sudden i blink and i’m transported into my past .. and all the painful feelings bubble up with it. i know i’m safe now .. and i’m no longer with those people and no longer experiencing those hurt feelings .. but time isn’t real anyway. and the pain comes back anyway. and i’m treating my boyfriend like it’s his fault that i was hurt 6 years ago. all i know is it’s not fair for me, him, or anyone involved. it sucks a lot.
the second thing that triggered PTSDy feelings happened today. again – at least i think that’s what was happening. my ex (i’ll call him peter) told me he relapsed. and it was very upsetting. i tried not to show peter that it upset me. i just told him i needed to see him soon & he said we will see each other sunday, so that’s good. but i spiraled mentally a little bit .. i thought back to getting the call that danny died. and how it would have been nice to have been able to see him one last time. i know it sounds morbid & simplistic .. but i just want to see peter again in case something happens. because he had 6 fucking years clean, man. and i have 5 so like wtf! i know the struggle with addiction is never ever over but like .. i want a xanax so fucking bad most days of the week. im not allowed to have one though. and it really sucks, so i do get a little pissed off when someone i know just fucks off on their sobriety. peter is upset with himself, im sure, and hes gonna be more upset when i smack him on sunday.
but getting that text from peter today .. im so glad he told me the truth. but when i saw the word “perc” pop up on my screen .. i couldn’t really see anything else .. all i saw was that it was all happening all over again .. someone i love/d in pain & not knowing a better way to cope .. not having the tools and the support to make a better choice .. he said he only relapsed the one time and was sick about it .. but what if his addiction gets bad again and i lose him .. either lose him to the drugs or actually have him lose his life. either way its all some bullshit & totally unfair. and idc if im making someone else’s problems about me but i dont think i can handle another ex of mine dying from an overdose. i even told peter that when danny died .. i called peter and told him he wasnt allowed to fuck up and he had to stay clean for me .. that was a long time ago and i would never bring it up to peter these days because i know thats a lot of pressure .. his sobriety is personal and no one should get or stay sober for another person .. gotta do it for yourself. that being said .. it would still really suck to get that call .. that something happened to peter. i wouldn’t hurt myself over it or anything but im sure id mentally check out for quick some time ..
i even hate that i’m having these negative thoughts. i’m usually all about manifesting positivity and not breathing life and energy into things that drag us down but like .. this trauma shit is real. and its painful. and its upsetting. and it bubbles up constantly & unexpectedly .. my trauma dictates who i am today & everyday. i go to bed & wake up a very fragile person .. it’s vital for me to create a specific environment for myself during my sensitive times of the day. and maybe that will change someday. but for now i know what i need to do to take care of myself. and thats spend a lot of time alone & sticking to a routine. and trying hard to externally process with safe people when i feel strong enough to do so. and to feverishly take care of my loved ones to ensure that they feel safe, happy, healthy, heard, cared for, and accepted.
i dont want people around me hurting. sometimes i think thats why i do what i do. i try to take people’s pains away and leave them better than i found them .. and maybe thats a little bit selfish. maybe i’m just trying to project something onto other people that i struggle doing for myself.
thank you to everyone who has spoken up about enjoying my writing. it’s nice to feel encouraged & helps me sit down & spend this time .. it’s cathartic af .. so thanks.
if you wanna hear more on the topic of trauma i am working on my next podcast episode titled “trauma: your sister is on pornhub” .. check out all my show stuff on my patreon.
adoringly as always,