“staying positive” is overrated.

i hate that i am the most inspired to write here when i am not feeling my best. my creative juices really get flowing when i’m struggling .. the realization that makes me turn inward with negativity even more. in an effort to not totally bum out anyone who decides to read this .. i will start with just some general life updates. this is also going to be helpful to add some context to my depression-fueled ranting that i will inevitably end this entry with.

so hi – Lucee here. this summer has been a doozy. starting back in the spring, i went to Miami with my companion in April. at the end of the week when i got back to Philly i had one incall booked with a regular client. the appointment went very well, it felt fulfilling, and it felt like the right time to take a break from seeing clients in-person. i felt relief when i made this decision. i felt like i could finally relax for the first time in almost a year. i didn’t have any kind of savings or financial plan in order to deal with my self-inflicted lack of income, so i tightened my money belt & tried to eliminate any expenses that i could. i told myself i was going to focus my energy on doing other things that could hopefully make money, but most importantly focus on doing things that made me happy. another reason for my decision to “retire” from seeing clients is because i knew that i had a lot of upcoming travel planned for June & July. trying to manage my petcare company, my social life, my travel plans, & taking care of myself/my house seemed like i had enough on my plate, & i definitely did. in April i was already feeling stretched thin & overwhelmed, so, again, this break came with a lot of positive emotions – at first.
i went to (survived) Miami again in June for the bachelorette party. i got COVID when i was down there, which put me on my ass for the better part of a week. i am thankful for my companion suggesting i take a medication because without that i’m sure my recovery time would have been much longer than a week. either way, it was still pretty tough to need to get back to work & also feeling like i was dying. something i didn’t expect was that being so sick would affect my mental health and my mood. i was miserable while sick .. i couldn’t talk to anyone without getting super upset. i cried a lot over that week. i’m sure i was having actual emotions about things & that compounded with being ill. i am thankful that i eventually got well & was able to move on. i definitely don’t wish COVID on anyone – especially after i experienced it myself. (reflecting back on this time while i write this – i don’t know if i ever fully rebounded mentally from the whole ordeal. i’ve felt very emotional & easily upset ever since .. interesting ..)
so now in the story it’s July & i’m getting ready for two trips: first one was NC for the bridal shower. i invited my sister & mother to join me on this trip so not only did we have the bridal shower but we also had a whole other separate trip for the three of us. it meant a lot to my mother that we took the trip, however it wasn’t a positive experience for me. it reminded me that things typically don’t change – i never enjoyed going on trips with my family when i was younger. as a younger person i remember never feeling comfortable and always feeling on-edge & upset. well, even now as an adult, i feel the same way when i’m cooped up with my family for too long. i could share more about my family dynamic but i feel like i wouldn’t return from that tangent so i’ll save it. the point is: that will be the last trip i take with my family. i have finally realized & allowed myself to accept that family trips are not for me; they don’t make me feel good. i always end feeling broken down, exhausted, angry, & like i need a whole other vacation to unwind.
good news in this case because after coming back from NC i was home for two days before getting Bagel packed up for us to head to WY to see my companion & his dog. this trip was very nice. it was so good that it makes me sad to think about. i got a glimpse of a life that i really enjoyed & doesn’t seem tangible for me to ever have again. i miss that trip & being in that environment. i didn’t want to come home. (i just paused to reflect and i’m almost in tears.)

so that’s generally what i’ve been up to for the past few months. now i’m back home for a few weeks before leaving again for the wedding, & then after that i’ll be back in Philly for good until December when i go out to CA.
i can’t remember a time when i’ve felt this consistently sad. i feel like i used to have anxiety problems and now i have depression problems. i managed anxiety pretty well .. i was used to feeling that way. i coped. but now that i am trying really hard to feel my emotions in a truthful & accepting way (and also probably because i don’t have streaming services anymore so i have lots of time to just sit around thinking) i feel more sad than i know how to manage. i want to cry a lot, but i don’t know how to give myself the permission to do that. i literally stare at myself in the mirror and say to myself “cry! cry!” .. it would probably be comical to walk in on me doing that.

hmm okay so .. what’s my point here? the point is that i am struggling. i don’t feel capable. i feel helpless. i feel sad & angry. i lack confidence in myself. i don’t even like myself, to be perfectly honest. i’m at a point where i can’t turn off my self-hating mind. my thoughts are negative, all the time. i am tired. i work constantly & am not doing well in the money department. i am mean to myself about everything. i blame & doubt myself constantly. my companion wants to be there to support me but i don’t even know how to let him in, and i also don’t want to rely on him or anyone else. i want to feel strong – like i can handle life on my own. but i don’t feel that way right now. and i don’t want to lean on other people anymore. i’m just fed up with my life and the way things are going. i want change, but i also stop myself from wanting too much because i know that’s not healthy either.

i am struggling. i don’t know what the best thing to do is. about a week ago i decided to go back to seeing clients in-person, even though that decision doesn’t make me feel super good. i feel like i don’t know how else to get myself out of this hole that i am in. i feel like i don’t have any other talents or skills besides being attractive and willing to be naked. i feel like i tried and failed and now i’m lost. i don’t know where to go from here. i don’t have a plan. i just know i’m not happy and can’t keep doing the same things that i’ve been doing. i know i want a different life & i don’t know the first step in getting there.

i even feel guilty for writing this & for having the audacity to actually publish it. i feel bad for anyone who stumbles upon this writing & gets sucked into my sadness. i want to be a positive person with happy thoughts and a smile .. i want to be a companion and friend to people who want me around. i worry my mood will push people away. i worry that the closer i get to finding my true, authentic self, that i will not like who i discover.

i have been meditating (probably incorrectly) & reading. i’ve been listening to podcasts & audiobooks. i’ve been trying to take deep breaths & i started seeing my therapist again. i almost never drink alcohol & i’ve been majorly cutting back on cannabis. i try to get good sleep, eat healthy, & be as active as possible (i might even join a gym – but the thought of spending that money makes me want to cry). i don’t know what else to do. my companion says i just need to give things time & they’ll get better. that i just need to remain positive. i’m tired of waiting for my life to feel good. i’m tired of wanting things to change. i’m tired of feeling like i’m running from myself, because we all know how that ends.

and all i want to do right now is apologize for bothering anyone. and to thank anyone who took the time to read this.

if i can get myself together to do another audio recording for my patreon soon i will. if you want to listen to me & my friend having a good ol’ chat, click here.

maybe i’ll even return to this post and add some pictures from my trips. i did take a lot of pictures (you know me).

i’m not doing too well at being positive, so i don’t want to promise i’ll do that. i guess all i can say to end this is that i will try my best to just simply exist. & that i hope to have more to share with y’all soon.

as always, please feel free to support me by subscribing to my onlyfans. i’m pretty good at keeping it light on there.